Volunteer with TransVisibility and move the vision forward

it seems the original set of volunteers got busy and are unable to fulfil their respective roles. I am now looking for volunteers to help move the TransVisibility.com vision of global unity and acceptance forward. Bloggers, Writers, assistant editors, and an executive editor positions are all available. So stop sitting on the sidelines and make a positive difference. Or if you are already involved in the community, we would love your help over at the TransVisibility Camp.
moderators are also being sought for http://www.TGender.com a 100% free transgender specific support, social networking and Dating website. Yes you read right, 100 % free. No charge for anything, including chat.
if you are interested, drop me a note via the contact page
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When I first attempted to come out to my friends, it seems like a lifetime ago now, I was pushed away, ridiculed, and in the end I moved away, far away, and never looked back. Well, that is not entirely true, I did, and still do look back. Where did I go wrong then? Why did I not just transition then and there, despite the obstacles and remarks of disgust and disbelief from my so called close social enclave? I was lost. I was coming to terms with my own internalized transphobia.

I was certainly not opposed to trans identities, in fact, I coveted the ability I saw in others to come out, transition, obtain HRT, surgery, and live their lives authentically. I am, and always have been a social justice advocate. Somehow, in the many variables of culture and socialization and environment that I was personally exposed to, taught, and shamed into believing, I would never have access to a viable life as myself. I was shameful of my own gender identity, secretive of my dissatisfaction with my genitals, and scared!

I thought constantly of transitioning, of living as I am, a woman. There is more to it than that though, I did not just want to live solely as a woman, I wanted to be a mother, to be a lover, a daughter, a wife. I still desire these things. Although I can not have my own children, which breaks my heart. Even pre orchiectomy I did not have regular testosterone levels, and I would not be able to actually carry a child, rather I would be the contributor of fertilization. Someday I want a small person to look up at me and say 'Mom?' enquiringly. Living pre-transition I adopted a stance of no children. Now I feel like I want to adopt in the future.

I want to be a lover, a good wife and partner, deeply and mutually in love with another being. For a time I thought I had this, but it was not meant to be. I transitioned in the relationship. It was liberating and amazing for me, but created nothing but resentment in my partner at the time. They hated Daphne, despised her for taking their husband away. At first I believed that I had unconditional love and support, but over time I came to realize that my partner was an expert at denial, aloof, and genuinely unhappy. I was a burden, a source of deep resentment, and a constant source of sadness for my former partner. When I eventually realized that the situation was not improving, despite my best efforts to ameliorate the relationship, I had to end it. I wanted to remain friends, but they, sadly, only want to forget about me. Their denial went further than I ever imagined, I do not think they can admit the truth of the relationship, and have created an alternate reality that is bewildering and fictional, but I feel that this is their way to comfort themselves and deal with the situation.

Serendipitously I met a young women in the final months of my previous relationship. We became fast friends, and soon we were spending all of our time together. I am, by nature, a social butterfly, so it is rare for me to find people that I can spend so much time with and not want to float off for more socializing. This definitely stands out, I love spending time with her, and I am do not get bored or tired. Most people I will tire of their company and either seek others or solitude. I am blessed with love and acceptance. Cage found me, accepts me, supports me, and is proactive in my affairs. I never have to ask her for anything, just when I need something she is there, and I am there for her in any way she needs. This is the action that is louder than words.

A career is my focus right now. Although I am coming to think that I may be only able to find employment in the midnight hours of hotel front desks, or cleaning office buildings. There is nothing wrong with these vocations, just not what I would like to do with my career life. I spent much of my working life in trades, because no matter how hard I tried to obtain employment in the sectors I wanted, I was always held back by my masculine appearance. This really speaks to the lack of gender parity in the workforce, a topic for another post perhaps. Last week I had an interview with a local accounting firm. I was called back for a trial assessment. I am sure that I have this position. I am an out and proud, and obvious, transsexual. To get to a second interview as a receptionist/bookkeeper at a strong local firm has given me hope. I am secretly prepared to spend a day crying in my room if I do not get the position. I feel that I did well at both interviews, that I am more than capable of performing the position, and that i would excel in this job. In my heart I know I have it.

So, my fears of unemployment and a monastic life void of love and happiness seems to be waning and that maybe the things I thought I was going to have to give up will not have to be dismissed. I am happy in myself.

I only want the opportunity to success that many are privileged to in our society. I am a loving, caring, and kind person, I just need people to see past the stigma and socially influenced stereotype that is me.

<3 Daphne Shaed

Lost and found...