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It was certainly an interesting day. I got up this morning early and felt refreshed for the first time since the surgery. I had woke up in the middle of the night and put more ice into the pack and slept with it on my genitals. It is soothing but uncomfortable simultaneously, but I believe it was why I awoke so rested. I moved slowly around the house carefully going about my morning routine. The one mental aspect I have noticed is my anxiety is gone.
My entire life I have lived with anxiousness looming over me constantly! At some points I would have several anxiety attacks a day. When I finally accepted myself and started on my path to transition and embrace the real me my anxiety melted away. When I started hormone replacement therapy my anxiety almost completely disappeared, and I never had an anxiety attack after starting hormones. Now, with my testicles removed, I feel liberated! This feeling of a calm and more focused mind is new to me and something I will have to learn to wield as well as I did my anxious and impatient self.
I really noticed the difference today while driving. I am usually impatient and anxious when I drive, particularly in the city. I did a lot of driving today, which was very painful, more on that later. I noticed that I was calm and not rushed and intolerant with my fellow road users.
Sitting in a sports cars bucket seats after castration is not recommended. I had to stop on the drive down to Victoria to stretch out. I also drove most of the way with an ice pack on my lap to manage the pain and swelling. It was a good distraction to just blast music over the stereo and sing my heart out to whatever I was playing on the way down, it is kind of a blur now.
I am worried that my earlier excitement from last week, having found full-time employment, may have been premature. The hotel needed someone immediately, and I told them about my surgery and my anticipated start date and they asked if I could start any earlier. I need the job so I said "Sure, I can recover from castration in 2 days and start work." So, I called the manager on Sunday afternoon as I promised, and I always keep my promises. I told her I could start back on Monday. She told me she would call me and let me know what time. So, all day today I waited, anticipating a call and excited to work and earn some money. Around 4 pm I thought I had better call. So, I called her and spoke to another employ there who said he would let her know I rang. I am beginning to feel like I am being given the run around. If they do not want to hire, for whatever reason, then just tell me, I can handle it, I handle all sorts of crap every single day. I am determined to find a job, and I will! I am a hard worker!
So besides work giving me a little stress, so is my home life. Right now I am living in a basement suite with my ex. I just wish we could be friends, that is all I want. I miss her, and I miss hanging out with her.
Cage, I feel so full of emotion, and I am only giving her a small portion of that. I fear if I were to let my emotions free they would destroy the city, I am not even sure where I find the energy to contain them myself. I do feel a deep connection to Cage, something that is rare between people, and when found needs to be nurtured. There are only two others that I have met in my whole life that I felt a true intrinsic connection to, one of them is Wendy.
I need more ice now. I am still very sore and tender. The ends of the spermacord are still in my scrotum, and they are swollen and hard, and could easily be mistaken for testicles. Actually they have swollen to a size slightly larger than my testicles ever were. This is awkward. The first day after surgery my body was still numb, and the spermacord had not swollen, so when I stood for the first time, and walk for the first time after surgery it was amazing! I felt like, finally, those dangly things are gone! Today, when I was up and walking around when I was in Victoria I felt awkward. I can not tuck, so I was wearing a loose skirt and tight underwear with a pad (for blood). This is the first time in over a year that I was not tucked! It felt strange, and it felt like everyone could tell. I was in pain, uncomfortable, and felt completely embarrassed. As usual though, I transformed all those feelings into self confidence, ego, deadpan humour, and wit!
Well, I should be off to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow. I am going to see my endocrinologist and look for work. Thank you for reading, and thank you for your support.